my messy place

I've been wrestling with God, fighting some disillusionment and disappointment, and generally been throwing an adult version of a giant hissy fit that things in life aren't what I want them to be. Most of this has been due to wanting church to be engaging, loving, Jesus-like, and finding once again that people are sinful and we hurt each other and that church is very messed up... just like me.

I want things to be passionate, truly loving, inspiring, life-altering and it feels like we end up going through the motions too often. Does it feel to anyone else that there are so very few people who actually want to go deeper? to seek this life with Jesus that is amazing and yet so different from our world?

I struggle to figure out where I fit in or where I want to fit in. To be where the people-pleaser in me is not in control and I'm not feeling judged or like the big freak in the room. I guess I just want connections that are deep and meaningful and rich. I don't want surface relationships. I want to know the heart, the real and authentic person. I don't want a social club for church. I want to meet people who have a passion for justice and a loyalty to Jesus like N.T. Wright talks about. This isn't to say that my friends aren't like this...just that it feels lately like we are so few and the task is so large and so many of them live so far away.

And I am no longer going to enable the church to mold me into someone I'm not. The molding is for Jesus and the people he uses who know me and truly see me and still stick around in spite of my sometimes very annoying faults. I am not willing to just hold my tongue when gossip comes up anymore because it's easier.

I desire to dream big dreams, try my best to have the right motivation, and live them out even if it seems crazy to some. I hope one day I can stop apologizing for everything I do in some strange attempt to appease everyone. I must become a pleaser of one.

I'll keep asking the questions and seeking God because even though the last few years have been tough and full of messiness, the journey is worth it. I am thankful that God never leaves me in the mess without a hint of hope here and there too. I'm going to do my best to have my heart right so that instead of just wrestling and griping, I am living this out and actually being the change I so desperately crave.