- the ginormous bruise on my arm hurts me so
- I am LOVING the sunny gorgeous and amazing weather
- I refuse to turn 30 (it was even painful to write that awful number)
- my brain hurts from thinking deep, life-changing, why-is-this-journey-with-God-so-hard-sometimes/I-have-to-get-off-my-butt-and-do-something thoughts
- my kids are entirely adorable and are even getting along at the moment
- Mike's going away for 2 days and I wanna go too
- if I hear another person tell me how "unhealthy" I am to not eat everything organic I may snap...seriously, what's with BC and the crazy organic, pro Al Gore vibe? am I just too oil-patch Alberta homegrown?
- I need to take physics if I want to do this radiology thing and I am half shuddering and half wondering if I can do it
- I should probably stop writing and go do something productive like clean
I've been wrestling with God, fighting some disillusionment and disappointment, and generally been throwing an adult version of a giant hissy fit that things in life aren't what I want them to be. Most of this has been due to wanting church to be engaging, loving, Jesus-like, and finding once again that people are sinful and we hurt each other and that church is very messed up... just like me.
I want things to be passionate, truly loving, inspiring, life-altering and it feels like we end up going through the motions too often. Does it feel to anyone else that there are so very few people who actually want to go deeper? to seek this life with Jesus that is amazing and yet so different from our world?
I struggle to figure out where I fit in or where I want to fit in. To be where the people-pleaser in me is not in control and I'm not feeling judged or like the big freak in the room. I guess I just want connections that are deep and meaningful and rich. I don't want surface relationships. I want to know the heart, the real and authentic person. I don't want a social club for church. I want to meet people who have a passion for justice and a loyalty to Jesus like N.T. Wright talks about. This isn't to say that my friends aren't like this...just that it feels lately like we are so few and the task is so large and so many of them live so far away.
And I am no longer going to enable the church to mold me into someone I'm not. The molding is for Jesus and the people he uses who know me and truly see me and still stick around in spite of my sometimes very annoying faults. I am not willing to just hold my tongue when gossip comes up anymore because it's easier.
I desire to dream big dreams, try my best to have the right motivation, and live them out even if it seems crazy to some. I hope one day I can stop apologizing for everything I do in some strange attempt to appease everyone. I must become a pleaser of one.
I'll keep asking the questions and seeking God because even though the last few years have been tough and full of messiness, the journey is worth it. I am thankful that God never leaves me in the mess without a hint of hope here and there too. I'm going to do my best to have my heart right so that instead of just wrestling and griping, I am living this out and actually being the change I so desperately crave.
written by erin at 9:56 AM
written by erin at 10:42 AM
Life has been a little hectic and a little interesting so here's an update:
- I survived the peanut coma and nearly overdosed, but ahhh...so worth it
- while Mike was away at his YP retreat Becca was so umm...how do I put it? the girl tried every nerve and patience limit I had and I think it's a good thing that God made her cute!
- Mike's sister and husband came out to visit and we had fun playing games, going to the ocean, and finding waterfalls at Lynn Canyon
- I came down with a whopper of a head cold, which added to fun tummy pain meant I got to watch way too much TV, but I'm up and running around now and trying to stop sniffing
- we went on a harbour cruise for the staff Christmas party (yes, I know it's May!) and the scenery was gorgeous
- we have grilled cheese at our house after Communion Sundays for our youth (which happened to be today) and it was a complete blast...it's SO good to see them relating, talking, seeking, changing and playing Twister
- we are officially looking for cheap transportation for Mike to and from work...can you picture him driving up the mountain on a scooter? maybe the pink one? grrrr...
That's kinda the haps and as for deep thinker posts, I've got global warming/climate change looming on the horizon, and maybe one on authenticity. When you're sick and headache-y at least you get time to think!
written by erin at 11:08 PM