repentance

I have been frustrated with church lately...not just ours, but church in general. The body of Christ has seemed very different from what I read about in the Bible and from what I am so deeply thirsting for. I have not felt much hope for things to change, to be vibrant, to be active like the Acts 2 church...so when Mike suggested that we go to church twice yesterday I was fairly hesitant. In fact, I was unsure that I could handle going somewhere new because if it was not living and active it might be the straw that broke the camel's back.

Being that it was Father's Day, we went...to Mars Hill in Seattle. Mark Driscoll preached for about an hour through Neh. 9:1-21. He talked about prayer, confessing sins publicly, familial sins, repentance and through all of this I felt like God was doing 2 things. One, through every aspect of the service from ambiance to people to preaching it felt like a balm soothing my soul. I felt like the desperate thirst I've had was quenched a little bit. Church can be good and beautiful and living and different from the churches I've known.

And two, I felt cut to the core about repentance. I have never heard someone preach so clearly on what repentance is and the counterfeits that we settle for. He mentioned that if we don't repent, it kills our joy, our hope, our family life, our church...I think God was poking me in the side going, "You hear this, right? Listening well?" My sin has been keeping me from God, distrusting his promises, it's been killing my hope. Incidentally, I am mostly a mere confession person. I keep on confessing but hey, I'm gonna keep on sinning that same sin anyways even though I feel bad. Great intentions but little action. I'm guessing this may not come as a surprise to those of you know me well!

So here I am now, figuring out what this means in my life. The first thing I did was repent, truly repent, and by the grace of God I will be changed in my complaining, lies, impatient parenting, and selfishness. Not perfect, but changed. I will strive to keep on repenting not just confessing and living in my sin. And I will give over to God my annoying desire to please others that, when out of balance, tempts me to image manage.

The other big idea for me was that revival comes through repentance, and if I want personal revival or revival in my church it needs to start with repentance. With me, with the leaders, with everyone. I get discouraged when I wonder whether people in church are willing to repent or change, but then, if God can do it in my stubborn heart, anything is possible!

yup...it's love

I love Mike. This is a good thing considering that we're married. Lately I've been having lots more of those mushy, butterfly, stare-into-your-eyes type feelings though. Here's why...he went to Seattle on the weekend, and he e-mailed me (which was no easy task considering he had to sit on a table with the laptop in the air to send it) just to say he loved me. I came home late the next day, tired and with 2 very dirty kids in tow, knowing that I had a mountain of housework to do on top of giving the kids a bath. I came home to the smell of Swiffer, people...he had cleaned the floors!! If someone told me before we were married that the smell of Swiffer was that good I would have thought they were crazy. He bathed the kids too...seriously? What did I do to deserve this goodness?


And then in the midst of 2 big youth events at our house, Aidan came down with the flu, which meant that I got it a day later. My wonderful husband came home from work on the busiest day of his week to be here so I could sleep and the kids didn't turn into Lord of the Flies. He even bought me Sprite and later on made me scrambled eggs to try and eat (which he had never made being an egg-a-phobic). He has been so good to me and I am so thankful! He is truly the best gift God's given to me other than Jesus, and if I don't say it enough...I love you Mike.

random thoughts today

• the ginormous bruise on my arm hurts me so
• I am LOVING the sunny gorgeous and amazing weather
• I refuse to turn 30 (it was even painful to write that awful number)
• my brain hurts from thinking deep, life-changing, why-is-this-journey-with-God-so-hard-sometimes/I-have-to-get-off-my-butt-and-do-something thoughts
• my kids are entirely adorable and are even getting along at the moment
• Mike's going away for 2 days and I wanna go too
• if I hear another person tell me how "unhealthy" I am to not eat everything organic I may snap...seriously, what's with BC and the crazy organic, pro Al Gore vibe? am I just too oil-patch Alberta homegrown?
• I need to take physics if I want to do this radiology thing and I am half shuddering and half wondering if I can do it
• I should probably stop writing and go do something productive like clean

fyi

In case you ever wondered...apparently wearing your hat like this

means you're cool.

And wearing your hat like this

makes all the girls fall in love with you.

Thought you might want to know.

my messy place

I've been wrestling with God, fighting some disillusionment and disappointment, and generally been throwing an adult version of a giant hissy fit that things in life aren't what I want them to be. Most of this has been due to wanting church to be engaging, loving, Jesus-like, and finding once again that people are sinful and we hurt each other and that church is very messed up... just like me.

I want things to be passionate, truly loving, inspiring, life-altering and it feels like we end up going through the motions too often. Does it feel to anyone else that there are so very few people who actually want to go deeper? to seek this life with Jesus that is amazing and yet so different from our world?

I struggle to figure out where I fit in or where I want to fit in. To be where the people-pleaser in me is not in control and I'm not feeling judged or like the big freak in the room. I guess I just want connections that are deep and meaningful and rich. I don't want surface relationships. I want to know the heart, the real and authentic person. I don't want a social club for church. I want to meet people who have a passion for justice and a loyalty to Jesus like N.T. Wright talks about. This isn't to say that my friends aren't like this...just that it feels lately like we are so few and the task is so large and so many of them live so far away.

And I am no longer going to enable the church to mold me into someone I'm not. The molding is for Jesus and the people he uses who know me and truly see me and still stick around in spite of my sometimes very annoying faults. I am not willing to just hold my tongue when gossip comes up anymore because it's easier.

I desire to dream big dreams, try my best to have the right motivation, and live them out even if it seems crazy to some. I hope one day I can stop apologizing for everything I do in some strange attempt to appease everyone. I must become a pleaser of one.

I'll keep asking the questions and seeking God because even though the last few years have been tough and full of messiness, the journey is worth it. I am thankful that God never leaves me in the mess without a hint of hope here and there too. I'm going to do my best to have my heart right so that instead of just wrestling and griping, I am living this out and actually being the change I so desperately crave.

pirate becca

Becca has been blessed with eyes just like her mom and dad's...not so great at seeing ones! She's had glasses since she was 2, and honestly, I don't think that she could look any cuter in them. We had our annual trip to the specialist yesterday and her eyes are getting even worse. so, new lenses and a foray into the world of pirates! She has to wear a patch 5 days out of the week for the next month until we see the doctor again. She's been such a good sport and other than the eye drops she got (she thought they were going to put needles in her eyes thanks to her big brother) she hasn't even made a fuss. In fact, she was super excited to be a princess pirate today with princess stickers on the patch. The only question she asked was if people at church would make fun of her (that sound you hear is my heart breaking) and I assured her that she didn't have to wear it that day but even if she did, people would love her. So much for a 4 year old...but what a cute pirate!

playin' catchup

Life has been a little hectic and a little interesting so here's an update:

• I survived the peanut coma and nearly overdosed, but ahhh...so worth it
• while Mike was away at his YP retreat Becca was so umm...how do I put it? the girl tried every nerve and patience limit I had and I think it's a good thing that God made her cute!

• Mike's sister and husband came out to visit and we had fun playing games, going to the ocean, and finding waterfalls at Lynn Canyon

• I came down with a whopper of a head cold, which added to fun tummy pain meant I got to watch way too much TV, but I'm up and running around now and trying to stop sniffing
• we went on a harbour cruise for the staff Christmas party (yes, I know it's May!) and the scenery was gorgeous

• we have grilled cheese at our house after Communion Sundays for our youth (which happened to be today) and it was a complete blast...it's SO good to see them relating, talking, seeking, changing and playing Twister

• we are officially looking for cheap transportation for Mike to and from work...can you picture him driving up the mountain on a scooter? maybe the pink one? grrrr...

That's kinda the haps and as for deep thinker posts, I've got global warming/climate change looming on the horizon, and maybe one on authenticity. When you're sick and headache-y at least you get time to think!